Other articles in our sexting CRUSH Letter spell out the 101’s of sexting: establishing expectations, consent, checking in and agreeing on what can (and cannot be done) with your sexts after the fact. Here Dish reveals more about her personal style and shares some sext snippets and sensual words to inspire your own sexting.
Sexting - Part 1
I love sexting. Giving it thoughtfully and receiving it joyfully, like it's a heaping bowl of creamy carbonara that we're sharing by handing it back and forth until we’re both sated.
Sexting is its own language
If you think of sexting as simply shooting over some dirty talk or an explicit photo by text, you’re not thinking big enough. I prefer to look at it as an additional, unique mode of verbal communication. And we need as many modes as possible to stay connected for the obvious reason that sometimes one works better then another to get through (or get by, after a conflict).
In truth, I think the term "sexting" is too narrow to capture the full potential of this communication style - texting intended to establish and maintain closeness - since many of the techniques that work best for sexting apply, of course, to any non-sexual text with your closest friends. I think something like "intimate texting" is a more accurate descriptor of what I’m trying to master, though admittedly not as catchy.
But in this piece let’s focus on the intimate text with a romantic partner, eg the sext.
Sext what you can't say
Sometimes there are things you very much want to say – or should be saying – that for whatever reason you haven’t (or can’t) say in person or over the phone. (Like suggesting certain fantasies.) Or on the flipside and just as importantly - there are things you might think it would be easier for your partner to receive by text (because they’re less on the spot, get some time to pull their thoughts together before responding). The fact that it can be either asynchronous or synchronous (an active, engaged collaboration in real time) is, in my view, its great advantage. In one mode of communication you can have the potential for immediacy and intensity, or the option to take time to pause and consider a response.
It’s in part because of this that sexting can allow you to be bolder, more daring or revealing or vulnerable than you’ve been able to be (at least with that partner) in person. You might find this surprising, but I'm kinda shy about live kinky talk. I’m working on that, but in the meantime I can initiate by sext things that are hard for me to say live. I'm still not very lewd by sext. I've never sent a nude pic, and don't want to receive any. Many who excel at sexting have a lot of fun with raunchiness. I applaud the bodaciousness, but truthfully I am more apt to want to get things started that will continue IRL (or pick up the phone) when it gets to that stage. Yet even without some of these more explicit things in my “sexting practice," it has had true, distinct value in letting me step out and be more daring (and vulnerable), all of which leads to my ultimate goal of creating greater intimacy.
The boldest sext is not what you think it is
Another really important relationship area where I’ve been more daring by sext than in real life is re-establishing closeness — or maintaining some thread of proximity — after an awful fight. It is gutsy to be the first one to reach out. These sexts are personal (and full of emotion, at least in the drafting) and tend to be short, and always less explicitly sexual types of sexts. But for sure, when there’s been conflict I have found it easier to break the ice with a meaningful variation on the “thinking of you” type of text. Even when (especially when) I’m not ready to have a full conversation, don’t know how to honestly or fully apologize, haven’t figured out exactly what I want to do about the issue creating the conflict. ("This is tough. I don't know what I want to say (or her) yet. Except I know we'll work through this." or "I'm sorry we're here. I'm still thinking through what to say, but I miss your touch, your voice. And especially your veal scallopini. Enjoy your kids this week end.") I sext even when (particularly when) I don't know what I want to say or do because what I do know is that I don’t want an empty space to crystallize into cold nothingness.
Other types of useful sexts ("can't wait!")
A sext can keep things close with your partner while one of you is on the road; light up your (or your partner's) masturbation session or introduce a fantasy in a safe, low-key way. It can be foreplay — on a scale of warming things up to turning it on, and you can make it as hot as you want to start it out, and take it as far as you’d like to go.
I almost always send a sext of some sort to rev things up before a date (if it’s a first date, “can’t wait” or “really looking forward to meeting you in person to hear more about {your writing/son’s ski race/etc}” is enough. And it can be the difference between starting things IRL at a cold versus warm temperature.
I love the art of the sexy compliment, and of teasing. I am into a sensual "drive-by" sext (eg, no response required or expected) as a high-impact way to give my partner a shot in the arm without disrupting his day.
Sexting is just as much for long-term partners as new relationships
And it goes without saying that sexting has as important a place in intimate relationships that are just beginning as it does in ones that have been in place “forever” and through all kinds of things. I’d argue that good, thoughtful sexting is almost more critical for long-term partnerships — as a reminder that you appreciate and adore them (and don’t take them for granted), or as a post-conflict ice breaker.
Sexting is all-around highly useful and way under-utilized, so let’s dive into some techniques and real-life examples from my life, as I’ve worked on mastering my own art of the sext.
Techniques & Tips
Good sexting is really just plain showing you’re interested, especially interested, in the person receiving your sext. There are as many ways to be great at sexting as there are to be a great communicator of any sort, but the “improv” model is apt:
Sexting is a collaborative act where the first rule of thumb is to take what your partner gives you, observe it closely, build on it, then volley it back.
Keep your partner particularly in mind:
- think about the receiver (“your partner” for these purposes) very specifically
- what do they do/like/feel proudest of about themselves and/or their bodies
- what can you think of with specificity that you’ve done together - what did they laugh at, enjoy, not like
- pay close attention to how they respond by text - single words/one liners or extended para's and consider whether you want to mimic them (to create or keep a rhythm going or want to break that up (to create abrupt excitement)
- notice whether they use visual words, sensual-sounding words, lots of active verbs or straightforward nouns - those are clues to what they like “sextually” (and probably other things about “their language” for all kinds of communication
Compliment/talk about their body specifically if you can find the words:
Say: Your skin is as pale and smooth as those leather gloves you put on to drive the golf ball, and I love how sensitive it is when I start running my fingers across your inner thigh. You twitch ever so slightly when you’re turned on.
Rather than: I love to touch your big cock / juicy vulva
Say: I love it how I can tell that you’re getting turned on by the way your breathing builds up, from deep and full to hot and needy. When you rolled me over I swear you were panting. Hungry.
Rather than: I love it when your hard cock gets so hard / your juicy vulva gets so wet
Say: You tasted creamy and rich and tart and kinda sweet, kind of like the key lime pie we had in Sarasota last winter
Rather than: I love your sweet cum
Use these strategically:
- the ellipsis ... to strategically leave something to the imagination, catch a breath yourself, let your partner catch a breath or to create anticipation
- a strategic pause — maybe followed by “ahhh, had to catch my breath” — to create tension
- "ummmmm" and "hmmmm" when you want to be more suggestive than explicit
The very best, sexiest words are “yes” (or “yesssss”) and “thinking of you.” Sprinkle them in generously. If you can’t think of anything else to say revert to those, or some variation of those. They are the heart-and-soul and ultimate vibe of the sext. I include a list of sexy words and phrases below, but remember “yes” and “thinking of you” go very, very far.
An exception to the “sext as an improv collab” (and a favorite type of sext personally) is the "drive-by sext” — where a reply isn't expected or required — it’s a powerful way to tell someone they are wanted while minimizing disruption, not imposing on them if it’s a bad time for them to sext back or just for giving them the space to consider.
Set your own expectations. Sexting is asynchronous. When you’ve just “opened up a sext line” on your end, you never know what someone has going on in the moment on their end (work crisis, bad personal news or in line at the grocery store). You don’t know who is around them (professional colleagues, kids). Starting it up, it’s best to think of it as a “send it out, expect nothing back” thing. By all means try not to take it as rejection if they don’t respond quickly, or even that day. Just because you were in the mood in that moment doesn’t mean it was a moment that worked for them.
Remember that one of the greatest advantages of sexting is that it is a form of communication that gives your partner the chance to consider before replying. In the long run, appreciate that as the strong relationship builder that it is.
As the recipient of a sext that comes at a bad time for you, a good practice is to reply when you can with a simple “thanks for that - thorough enjoyed - caught me in a meeting and now I’m on the run.”
A great type of sext for extended foreplay is the “what you’re going to do to me / what I’m going to do to you” sext. A variation of the above is “what I did to you / you did to me” sext.
In Part 2 of Tell Me More, I’ll be offering examples of sexting scripts and sexy words to get your imagination flowing. Here’s a tease:
Get the sexting conversation started
"Wanna know what turns me on the most about you?"
“Hello (as in hello! 💦). You there?”
“I’m just licking an ice cream cone over here. Yummm. Creamy. What are you up to?”
“Just stepped out of the shower. Ummmmm, got a few minutes?”
“Can’t stop thinking about running my fingers through your gorgeous, thick, wavy gray hair. Sexy. Do the poker guys hate you because your hair is so beautiful?”
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The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter curated by Dish Stanley on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
