I'm Dish and I write a weekly newsletter about life, love, and culture for those 50+. Because midlife and beyond is so much hotter than they said it would be. Hell yes, sign me up for the Dish.
Hello Crush,
Happy Saturday, my dear Crushes.
A little foreplay to start with ... we'll be bringing you one of our PrimeCrush Toy Tester Reports next Saturday. Hope you come for it (ba-dum).
But we have a lot for you this week, so let's get rolling. CRUSH Reader Danielle has given us Three Things She's Crushing On for her (and all of of our collective) 20-somethings. I should write a whole essay on just one of the tenets in The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz – Don't Make Assumptions – which is one of the worthy books she recommends. That, and her others, are such strong suggestions. Thank you, Danielle!
And then CRUSH Reader Evelyn – in honor of the London date I wrote about in last Saturday's The Crush Letter – shared a F*ck Song that was new on me, and perfect. Thanks Evelyn! What a beautiful sentiment. And yes, I've definitely fallen in love with a man after "only" talking with him (for hours over dinners, and days). So I get it.
We have a couple of entertaining Dear Dish letters, from Christian and Craig. Thanks, guys! I love your Dear Dishes!
And then I poured my heart out in an essay below prompted (again, oh dear) by that London date. I didn't tell you this when I wrote about it last week, but the date began in a fun and funny way – with my date's drink order calling to mind Sally's "pie a la mode" order in When Harry Met Sally. (Honestly is anything in the relationship world not somehow related to When Harry Met Sally?) In the essay I write about how we're all high maintenance, really, it's just that some of us own it. And it's owning it that makes sustained, emotionally intimate relationships possible - whether they are romances or friendships. In my own little world, with friends, when I call somebody "High Maintenance" what I'm really saying is that that person thinks they're low maintenance, but really they are just as banged up and quirky as the rest of us. (Or "HM," which is short for "High Maintenance Total Lack of Awareness" or "HTLA.") Their lack of self-awareness is what actually makes them "HM" because they don't acknowledge their own limitations in friendship and love.
Anyway, I hope you like it. (Who knows what will ultimately come out of that date, but I've gotten some good material for The Crush Letter from it, am I right?)
In the meantime, who can resist Sally?
PS: One of our most longstanding CRUSH Readers lost his dog this week. Such sorrow! We're all sending our hearts to you and yours, "A!" R.I.P. Sunshine.
If you're new here (welcome!), I'm Dish, the Master of Ceremonies. For more about me and why we're here go here.
In This Letter. +Nice to Meet You. How Are You Crazy? Alain de Botton Considers Beginnings. We're All High Maintenance. Owning It Opens Up the Possibility for Something Real with Somebody Else. +Dear Dish. One thing: you note that the film THE SECRETARY is by Steven Spielberg, but it's by Steven Shainberg. :) Three Things I'm Crushing On. from CRUSH Reader Danielle for "our" 20-somethings (& us) +Songs That Make You Wanna F*ck. from CRUSH Reader Evelyn* this is in honor of Dish's London date! +Social Media I Loved This Week By Dish Stanley +Our Song of the Week Can't we just talk?
Nice to Meet You. How Are You Crazy? Alain de Botton Considers Beginnings.
We're All High Maintenance. Owning It Opens Up the Possibility for Something Real with Somebody Else.
What is the most generous and honest way to begin a relationship? Alain de Botton makes a surprisingly humble suggestion.
Connection would be easier if, when we met someone new, we began with “And how are you crazy? Because I am crazy like this.” Authentic for sure. Romantic? Not so much.
Or at least that's what I thought before going on the recent date that I described in The Crush Letter No. 123 as "a lingering, glimmering, very London thing." A delight! What I didn't tell you was that early on, at the bar before dinner, right after my date ordered his cocktail "vodka – do you have Belvedere? – in a cold glass with ice, large cubes please – a shot of club soda, Fever Tree preferably – with a slice of lemon. Thank you." (I'll admit that Sally's pie a la mode order from When Harry Met Sally leapt to mind) my date looked at me and said "I'm high maintenance."
"Not at all," I laughed in response. "Schweppes Canada Dry is for amateurs."
But from the get-go I loved that he owned it. That he's high maintenance. Not just because I'm a caretaker who, ummmm without even trying, noticed every detail of his order (since my own shit invovles thoroughly indulging somebody's tiniest whims and quirky needs). But also, more importantly, because it's honest. Nobody is low maintenance, really. Once you actually get close to anyone (friend or romantic partner) their unique bundle of needs, fears, longings, vulnerabilities, irrational triggers, unexamined wounds, limitations and what-have-you emerge. In picking up anyone in your life for a real relationship, you're really just choosing which items in the smorgasboard of issues you're willing to take on. (And it goes without saying, they're picking up yours.) It's the people who don't think they're high maintenance that are the most impossible – the lack of self-awareness and introspection is a real obstacle to sustained intimacy.
Anyway, fun, funny and light is a warm way to start any conversation, let alone a date. But his "high maintenance" comment turned out to be the world's best ice breaker because a little while after we got seated at our table (he, having consumed his taj mahal of a vodka soda), I asked him, "So how else are you high maintenance?" (I like an open-ended soft lob that lets somebody roam freely in any direction they prefer - humorous, serious, light, deep. Such a great way to learn about somebody.) His response began something like this: "I just lost 30 lbs, so I'm not eating flour, sugar or pasta and not drinking wine. (It's just sugar.) Only vodka. I have to work out every day ... " And then went on to each of us sharing deeper and real things and funny things, too, about the ways we were each a little fucked up. But it was fun and humorous and real and tender and sort of a beautiful thing, being fuck-ups together in a gorgeous art deco atmosphere dressed up in sexy date attire.
And who knows where it goes, if anywhere, with him in particular but the thing about experiencing beautiful things like that with anybody is that it makes you feel good about not just the other person, but about you yourself (and the guts it takes to be out there, open and vulnerable) and the whole human experience. It's affirming and encouraging. It's like eating up a scoop of joy for dessert – the aftertaste lingers.
It also reminded me of one of my very first essays for The Crush Letter, in which I recommended listening to the On Being podcast episode in which Krista Tippett spoke with Alain de Botton. He is the author of Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, the most read piece in the New York Times in 2016 (a year that saw a presidential election, BREXIT and a refugee crisis). This particular On Being episode was re-released in March 2021 because it was one of their most listened to podcasts ever.
In it, de Botton argues for a more honest, less splashy start to relationships. (He's talking about romantic relationships but this applies to any kind of relationship. Any kind of human interaction, really.) Acknowledging to ourselves, and then sharing with another, our imperfections as friends, lovers, romantic parters, is the right modest mindset for the true hard work of love, says de Botton.
“Love is a painful, poignant, touching attempt by two flawed individuals to try and meet each other's needs in situations of gross uncertainty and ignorance about who they are and who the other person is. . . [But we’ll] do our best.” Humorous in its seemingly absurd modesty, but de Botton argues (and I've come to agree) that it's a much more generous (and honest) starting point for any relationship. It begins with being humble about our own limitations, open to living with another's limitations and realistic about the limitations of the human condition. Love is not an enthusiasm. “It’s a skill. It is something we learn, and make progress with."
So often we blame our lovers when things get rocky, de Bottom says. What we should be doing is reconsidering our view of love itself. This is a realization he came to honestly. He had, he says, genuinely thought problems in love were the result of being with people who are in one way or another defective, a [view] that was fiercely tested when he met someone who was wonderful in every way. He married her. And then discovered something surprising. There were all sorts of problems. “And I learned that they had to do with the challenges of being a human being trying to relate to another human being in a loving relationship.” By accepting a more measured understanding of our humanity, we can then get to the hard work of love. Picking up the skills. "Forbearance, generosity, imagination and a million things besides."
Swiping right is easy enough. But we want our love to survive and thrive. And that requires the work of love. For instance, one of the very kindest things we can do with our partners is to be incredibly generous in the way we interpret their (seemingly sulky) behavior, says de Botton. Can we get an app for that? ("Is your partner being incommunicative? Before getting annoyed, ask yourself: Did she get a full night sleep? ...") Or an app that reminds us how truly difficult it is for people to change. That reminds us that some of the problem might actually be us. That there is just a lot of mundane shit in life; it’s not our partner’s fault that not every day is exciting and fun. That we will never fully be understood by someone else, really. How to live comfortably with our existential loneliness. Artificial intelligence will allow us to make a lot of advances in predicting, interpreting (and manipulating) human behavior for sure. But all that work of love? It is asking a lot of an app.
Better to begin by ordering a stiff drink, taking a deep breath and begin sharing all the ways that we're each high maintenance.
Here’s the On Being podcast.
Dear Dish..
"Hi Dish,
Thanks for your tribute to Robbie Robertson. I totally agree: his work gets better with time.
One note: you note that the film THE SECRETARY is by Steven Spielberg, but it's by Steven Shainberg. :)
-Christian"
Dear Christian:
OH MY GOD, I've been a bad, bad girl. Like Lee {in The Secretary}, I should be spanked. I am going to correct and republish that column on the 5 Things That Turn Me On. Right away, Mr. Pan.
Thank you!
-Dish
Dear Dish,
You're so welcome!
I love that movie with Spader & Gyllenhaal, too, and actually studied with the screenwriter while an undergrad, so when I saw the director´s name, I went, "Wait a sec....".
-Mr. Pan
CRUSHES: Here's that excerpt again from my 5 Things That Me On:
Watching Secretary, directed by Steven Shainberg. This superbly cast, quirky 2002 arthouse film about the dominant-submissive relationship that develops between a businessman (James Spader) and his assistant (Maggie Gyllenhaal) thrills with its combination of smarts, originality, eroticism and humor.
"Dear Dish:
I can handle the bottom three “Dinner Party Tough Choices,” but the top three wouldn’t get invited.
I'll pull a Mute along.
Flirty can be fun.
And smart/interesting I'm all about.
-Craig"
CRUSHES: Here's the Tough Choices again.
Three Things I'm Crushing On
In this series, readers like you share recommendations for the things they love the most, right at this moment.
Three Things I'm Crushing On: Submission from CRUSH Reader Danielle
If you have a 20-something in your life (I have three) here are three books you should consider getting them. The first two fall in the category of “principles and ways of thinking to help set them up as productive and happy adults” and the last one is just a really good, timely novel about 20-somethings living very exciting lives in the big, bad world post-college (taking some hard knocks, scoring some wins, falling in love).
1. The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter And How to Make the Most of Them By Meg Jay ($16.71)
I should start by saying that this is like a bible in my home right now (we have three kids in their twenties). I wish I had read this when I was in mine, and I’m glad that I read it now in order to better understand my kids and their mindset. Jay is a clinical psychologist who shares insight into her conversations with 20-something’s. One point she makes over and over is that this generation is living with a “staggering, unprecedented amount of uncertainty.” Jay covers the areas of work, love, the brain and body and establishes ways to thinking through, making decisions and moving forward in each of these areas. One of my kids in particular can get overwhelmed, has anxiety, and this book has helped keep him steady. Another is soooo ambitious, a world beater, and this book has reminded her of the bigger picture. I can't emphasize how much it matters that some of this information comes from somebody other than me and their father ...
2. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom By Don Miguel Ruiz ($7.74)
The four agreements themselves seem pretty obvious (the first being “Be impeccable with your word”), but having them laid out with powerful explanations and contextualization drives home their significance. Particularly, the downsides and implications for you of not adhering to the agreements. It’s a book about empowering yourself by reminding (and re-committing) yourself to a code of conduct that will serve you well as an adult. In our household we all know the four agreements and can refer to them as guideposts (even when we may sometimes fall short, we know what we are aiming for).
3. Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow By Gabrielle Zevin ($14.71)
It’s fabulous! A novel that follows the lives of three 20-something’s who are game designers just out of college. They go through the whole rollercoaster ride as they find success and confront failure in all the key areas covered by Meg Jay in The Defining Decade, including love (and friendship), work, physical and mental/emotional health. The book covers the importance of love and of play (yes, play!).
Continue reading here
Songs That Make You Wanna F*ck.
An occasional pop-up where PrimeCrush Readers share the songs that make them want to bang. Thanks to Evelyn* for sharing his. Got one? Send it to me at Dish@PrimeCrush.com.
Submitted by Crush Reader Evelyn*
Talk By Khalid
What about this song musically does it for you?
The whole idea of just getting close to somebody by talking to them — really talking, as in sharing important things and listening closely is so sexy. Why is this such an astonishing concept? It shouldn’t be, but it is.
Is there a memory you attach to this song?
I have fallen in love with somebody simply through sharing the emotional intimacy of really good, close and vulnerable conversations, yes.
Who/what are you thinking of when you listen to this song?
His name is James. I met him over a decade ago, and before we got started physically (romantically) he learned he was moving across country, so we reversed course into a friendship and each continued our romantic journeys separately. I haven't seen him in a decade, but we're still in touch – both happily married! – and and I still love James and the friendship we built from talking.
Anything else...?
The lyrics to this song: “Can’t we just talk? Talk about where we’re going / Before we get lost / Let me out first / Can’t get what we want without knowing”. This song is a celebration of the slow build-up, and falling in love with the whole human being in front of you.
Social Media I Loved This Week
Song Of The Week
Talk By Khalid
Can't we just talk?
Talk about where we're going?
Before we get lost.
XO,
Dish
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The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
