The Crush Letter No. 66

. 14 min read

I'm Dish and I write a weekly newsletter about friendship, love and sex in midlife.  Because midlife is so much hotter than they said it would be.  Hell yes, sign me up for the Dish.

Hello Crush,

"Wanna know what I can't stop thinking about?"

"Remember that time at landmark cinema when my fingers found their way over to your lap. And I was circling along the edge of, ummmm, my favorite places on your body ... it's making me swell."

"When are you getting home ... I can't wait ... Literally not sure I can wait. Got a few minutes now?"

Those, my dear CRUSHes, were some really solid opening lines (if I do say so myself) for what eventually turned into heated exchanges IRL. Some of those were with long-term relationship partners, but at least one was at the start of what became a short-lived beautiful thing.

In my piece "Tell Me More" below I write that I love to sext. Personally, I do not tend to initiate or gravitate toward super kinky sexting (though I’ve gotten explicit if it's something my partner asks for :-)). I use it more for flirtation, teasing, suggestion, generating excitement and foreplay. "Giving it thoughtfully and receiving it joyfully, like it's a luscious bowl of carbonara we're sharing by handing it back and forth." There are many things that can be easier, safer and more effective to share by text, like taking your partner's temperature on a fantasy or even re-establishing closeness after a fight. And the most important techniques for good sexting (because it involves thinking very specifically about your partner) that apply equally to texting with close friends.

So it's well worth mastering. And that's my way of saying that we're all about sexting in this week's Letter. It's waaaaay under-utilized and we're under-achievers at it, by and large, but it's fun to practice and yields quick results. I share what I've learned about developing my own sexting style and mastering the art of the sext in "Tell Me More" below.

Don't miss our "Hook Up" below with Elizabeth Dell, Founder of Amorus. Amorus is a private, secure messaging app for sexting and playing fantasy games with your partner. I was an early adopter when it launched out of L.A. in 2021. (Always doing my research for you, CRUSH Readers.) Elizabeth wanted me to share that it's still free for new users ...

"Mmmmmm. Hot. What else?"


If you're new here (welcome!), I'm Dish, the Master of Ceremonies. For more about me and why we're here go here.


In This Letter.   +Hook Ups: Meet Elizabeth Dell, CEO & Founder of Amorous. We make couples sexier.  Foria's Totally Useful Guide to Sexting. Don’t feel like every pic has to be Instagram-worthy.   +Foria's Totally Useful Guide to Sexting. Sexting is like improv.   +Tell Me More: Dish’s Personal & Practical Tips for Sext Mastery - Part 1.  By Dish Stanley Sometimes there are things you very much want to say – or should be saying – that you just wouldn't ever say in person.   +Book Review: Vox By Nicholson Baker. Reviewed by Christian Pan A phone sex line for singles!?   +Sexting IRL. By Lisa Ellex Are you hard?   +Amplify! Sex With Emily Podcast: {No. 7}. Embrace the 3 dots.   +Song of the Week. “It feels good, it feels good, it feels good”


Hook Ups: Meet Elizabeth Dell, CEO & Founder of Amorous

“Hook Ups” is an ongoing feature introducing our readers to some of our favorite entrepreneurs and small business owners.

Humorously explain what you do.

I make games and a chat app for adults to get intimate with their flame(s). Amorus is a private one-to-one connection for sexy time. Think WhatsApp, but designed to actually make you BETTER at sexting each other. Our games help start sexy convos, uncover shared fantasies, and flirt (send a photo as a blurry jigsaw: make them solve the puzzle to get the pic!).

For how many years?

Amorus was a pandemic inspiration. I wasn’t living with my partner in lockdown, so I was “burning up my thumbs.” But I wasn’t feeling like my most creative self in the apocalypse, so I went looking for tools or games to make our remote sexy time better. And came up with nothing (I did NOT expect the internet to say no when I asked for sex!). I decided to make what I wanted in the world and the result was Amorus. We launched our first tests last year and went live to the public in September 2021.

How would you describe the impact your company has made?

We make couples sexier. Our users share that they love the anticipation and spark for their relationship--when they get an Amorus message from their boo, they know it’s not about laundry or groceries, it’s something sexy to them--“immediate heart flutters.” Other users love how it makes new ideas more accessible. Knowing that you both share a fantasy (courtesy of our Fantasy Swipe game) lets you uncover something new without rejection or upset.

What is your main philosophy/credo when it comes to fun in intimate relationships?

It should be play. When we play games, we open ourselves to trying new things, to failing, to experimenting. It can be intimidating to be bad at something as a grown-up (learning a new skill as an adult sucks!). But when we play, we expect the bumps in the road--we laugh at our mistakes and dust ourselves off, and try again. And then we discover new joy (Ropes? Dress-up? Ticklish toes? Think of what you can discover!)

What makes your product unique?

We love intimacy. So, we built our tools to make intimacy easier and more delicious! We are a private, secure, encrypted platform (as everywhere you’re doing sexy chat should be!). But more than that, we have bookmarks (to easily return to the best moments in your sexting history), custom emoji responses for sexy chat, and revokable consent on all content (delete a pic or message and it deletes on both sides, no matter how long ago you sent it). And games for all that grown-up play time.

What is one tip you’d love our readers to hear when it comes to intimacy?

ASK QUESTIONS! Asking a relevant question is the most ninja communication move there is. It does all the things of great engagement all at once: it demonstrates that you are listening, validates your partner’s share, and develops your mutual interests deeper. For example, if your flame says they love touching on the neck, or where the neck is? Or what type of touch (Light sweep? Deep massage? Scratch?). If you want to start a sexy conversation, a question introduces the sexy while making it easy for your flame to say “yes” or “no” or “not right now” (some of my go-to favorites are “can I share something sexier?’ or “do you want to hear a fantasy?”)

Best way to reach you?

Instagram: @amorusapp

Twitter: @amorusapp Website: www.amorus.net
Discount for PrimeCrush readers: Amorus is currently free to first users, but we will be introducing premium membership soon. Those who join sooner get early-user privileges (as well as a bunch of sexiness with their partner!).

Foria's Totally Useful Guide to Sexting.  

Foria, the same company that brought us the arousal oil Awaken that PrimeCrush Toy Testers reviewed (and loved) in a previous CRUSH Letter, has shared a definitive guide for the considerate sexter.

Text Dirty To Me: A Sexting Guide, covers all the introductory bases it should, from establishing expectations and consent to checking in, and then goes beyond. We were going to write a sexting 101 from scratch for you, but when we saw that Foria already had, why would we? (Especially because we love their sex oils - no affiliate link there CRUSH Readers – we just love their sex oils).

Sexting is like improv, they say, it's a collab where the first rule of thumb is to take what your partner gives, build on it then volley it back. They had me at "improv" frankly, but then they threw in one of the first erotic novels I read and loved as an example of really good "buildup" technique. That is Vox by Nicholson Baker, and we've included a review of that novel written by Christian Pan of Panerotica, below. Some of us might think we don't have all day to build things up like the characters do in Vox, but the fine folks at Foria have me considering whether today might be the day to give it a try.

For your sexting 101 read this:

Text Dirty To Me: A Sexting Guide
Sexting has become a mainstay of intimate relationships, both new and established, both up-close and at a distance. And although it first became mainstream with the widespread adoption of smartphones (for the older, sexually liberated contingent, remember trying to sext on a number pad?) it’s actual…

Tell Me More: Dish’s Personal & Practical Tips for Sext Mastery - Part 1. By Dish Stanley

Other articles in our sexting CRUSH Letter spell out the 101’s of sexting: establishing expectations, consent, checking in and agreeing on what can (and cannot be done) with your sexts after the fact. Here Dish reveals more about her personal style and shares some sext snippets and sensual words to inspire your own sexting.

I love sexting. Giving it thoughtfully and receiving it joyfully, like it's a heaping bowl of creamy carbonara that we're sharing by handing it back and forth until we’re both sated.

Sexting it its own language.

If you think of sexting as simply shooting over some dirty talk or an explicit photo by text, you’re not thinking big enough. I prefer to look at it as an additional, unique mode of verbal communication. And we need as many modes as possible to stay connected for the obvious reason that sometimes one works better then another to get through (or get by, after a conflict).

In truth, I think the term "sexting" is too narrow to capture the full potential of this communication style - texting intended to establish and maintain closeness - since many of the techniques that work best for sexting apply, of course, to any non-sexual text with your closest friends. I think something like "intimate texting" is a more accurate descriptor of what I’m trying to master, though admittedly not as catchy.

But in this piece let’s focus on the intimate text with a romantic partner, the sext.

Sext what you can't say

Sometimes there are things you very much want to say – or should be saying – that for whatever reason you haven’t (or can’t) say in person or over the phone. (Like suggesting certain fantasies.) Or on the flipside and just as importantly - there are things you might think it would be easier for your partner to receive by text (because they’re less on the spot, get some time to pull their thoughts together before responding). The fact that it can be either asynchronous or synchronous (an active, engaged collaboration in real time) is, in my view, its great advantage. In one mode of communication you can have the potential for immediacy and intensity, or the option to take time to pause and consider a response.

It’s in part because of this that sexting can allow you to be bolder, more daring or revealing or vulnerable than you’ve been able to be (at least with that partner) in person. You might find this surprising, but I'm kinda shy about live kinky talk. I’m working on that, but in the meantime I can initiate by sext things that are hard for me to say live. I'm still not very lewd by sext. I've never sent a nude pic, and don't want to receive any. Many who excel at sexting have a lot of fun with raunchiness. I applaud the bodaciousness, but truthfully I am more apt to want to get things started that will continue IRL (or pick up the phone) when it gets to that stage. Yet even without some of these more explicit things in my “sexting practice," it has had true, distinct value in letting me step out and be more daring (and vulnerable), all of which leads to my ultimate goal of creating greater intimacy.

The boldest sext is not what you think it is

Another really important relationship area where I’ve been more daring by sext than in real life is re-establishing closeness — or maintaining some thread of proximity — after an awful fight. It is gutsy to be the first one to reach out. These sexts are personal (and full of emotion, at least in the drafting) and tend to be short, and always less explicitly sexual types of sexts. But for sure, when there’s been conflict I have found it easier to break the ice with a meaningful variation on the “thinking of you” type of text. Even when (especially when) I’m not ready to have a full conversation, don’t know how to honestly or fully apologize, haven’t figured out exactly what I want to do about the issue creating the conflict. ("This is tough. I don't know what I want to say (or her) yet. Except I know we'll work through this." or "I'm sorry we're here. I'm still thinking through what to say, but I miss your touch, your voice. And especially your veal scallopini. Enjoy your kids this week end.")  I sext even when (particularly when) I don't know what I want to say or do because what I do know is that I don’t want an empty space to crystallize into cold nothingness.

Continue reading here.

Amplify! Sex With Emily Podcast: The 12 Episodes CRUSH Readers Should Get On Top Of.

This series highlights the best episodes from our favorite podcasts. One of them is Sex With Emily hosted by Sex Expert Dr. Emily Morse.  Every one is worth a serious listen, but I have picked out the 12 invaluable episodes that CRUSH Readers who want to be good in bed really.can't.miss. We've been saving this episode on sexting specifically for this Letter.

To read more on why you need Sex With Emily go to our intro on this series, go here.

Amplify! Sex With Emily Podcast: {No. 7} Your Guide to Sexting

Episode Date: March 11, 2022 (27 Minutes)

A great sext is all about anticipation…kind of like foreplay: And as the 21st century way to talk dirty, sexting — when executed well — can be super hot. Sexting is an art form, and in this show, I give you pro tips for perfecting yours. Because let’s face it: randomly sending a bunch of squirting emojis might not be as sexy as it is confusing, for the person on the other side.

As with everything in life, good sexting comes down to emotional intelligence, so let’s talk shop.

Best Lines:

3:26 Sext your past and your future. A good way to warm things up is to talk about fantasies that involve them so it's like a preview. "I did something really bad, you might have to spank me."

Continue reading here

Book Review: Vox By Nicholson Baker.

Reviewed by Christian Pan

Gateway Porn. Published in 1992, Vox is the story of an extended, rambling phone sex conversation that repeatedly comes back to one person asking the other for further details on what they want, sexually. It deliciously depicts live sexual improv talk in the days before sexting, and it is a very fine (and stimulating) example of being open, listening, giving it back and building tension. In his review Christian Pan, an erotic fiction writer at Christian Pan Erotica, asks whether this novel (a Dish favorite), once considered groundbreaking, still captivates.

I don´t recall reading Nicholson Baker´s novella Vox when it first appeared in the early ´90s. I think it was a few years later, in 1998, during the impeachment of Bill Clinton, that it first appeared on my radar: when Special Prosecutor Ken Starr had subpoenaed the book purchases of Monica Lewinsky, concluding that the intern had purchased the book as a gift for the former President.

More than 20 years later, that detail hangs over my re-reading of the book today, in 2021. What passages did Monica or Bill like the most?

Reading the novella again in 2021, Vox feels almost like a period piece, an erotic story whose setting is suspended in amber. The story is a time-capsule for a way adults could hook up that was established or prevalent then, but which is practically non-existent today--at least in this specific form. For example, Vox takes place during the course of a single phone conversation between two strangers, a man and a woman, who meet on a phone sex line for singles to meet. A phone sex line for singles!? Do those even exist anymore? One of the characters got the number from an ad he saw in Juggs, a pornographic magazine that ceased publishing in 2013. Later, there's a passage in there where they talk about buying women's lingerie from a catalog and dialing the company directly to place the order. They even talk about the furtive nature of going to a video store to rent a dirty movie. Which you take home to watch on a VCR.

These and other details make the story slightly quaint, as so much erotic content today (written as well as visual) is far more explicit, as well as so much more easily available.

Continue reading here

Use code: DISH to get 50% off any story on ChristianPanErotica until June 19th, 2022.

An Honest Look at Sexting IRL.   By Lisa Ellex

Song of the Week

I Feel Love By Donna Summer

Hat tip to CRUSH Reader SK for this one. Divine.

Dish Stanley XO,
Dish

You Won't Want to Miss A Thing. Here Are Links to Some Favorites.

+DEVOUR {things to do, watch, see & have} In our monthly DEVOUR column we share all the things we think you should eat up.  Here are some snacks from the last few months, but to get all of us, subscribe.

+Hook Ups: Founders We Think You Should Know. “Hook Ups” is an ongoing feature introducing our readers to some of our favorite entrepreneurs and small business owners.

+AMPLIFY!  The 12 Sex With Emily Podcast Episodes CRUSH Readers Can't Miss.  By Dish Stanley. This series highlights the best episodes from our favorite podcasts. One of them is Sex With Emily hosted by Sex Expert Dr. Emily Morse.  Every one is worth a serious listen, but I have picked out the {12} invaluable episodes that CRUSH Readers who want to be good in bed really.can't.miss.

+Hot Thots. By Dish Stanley A periodic column where Dish lets off steam.



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