A column on love, sex, and kink in relationships from the host of the podcast Licking Non-Vanilla, who has spent a lot of time contemplating all of it in his sixty years of being alive.
“Ok, So I Had This Idea We Might Turn the Bedroom Into a 19th Century One-Room School House and You Can Dress Up In”…
The second part in Ralph Greco's series Sighs & Moans, a column on love, sex and kink from a kink expert, where he suggests way to introduce your fantasy to your partner.
How to introduce your fantasy to your partner.
So, you are entertaining some thoughts that have led you on some late-night Internet searches, stuff you have been thinking about even when rolling around in bed with your lover? Stuff that you really can’t get out of your head? What should you do with these fantasies? If you have been with a partner for a bit or might like to show off your adventurous spirit with somebody new, is it safe to spill the beans on your naughty inner-most thoughts? Out your fantasy, as it were, and make it a reality?
In the end, how does one introduce their fantasy to a partner? Here are some thoughts:
The Irony of Familiarity
Ironically, those closest to us, a spouse or even a friends-with-bene’s partner, could be the hardest to tell your fantasy to. Set against your usual manner of making love, suddenly revealing some sexual desire you have kept hidden from your partner or opening your imagination enough for them to take a peek inside, ironically can be scarier the closer you are to someone. You have lots to lose if somebody you really care for is taken aback by your desire to play naked fireman or house inspector, or by you revealing your clutching fascination with your lover’s sneakers. After all, if they don’t take too well to your “can’t-un-ring-a-bell” moment, it’s going to hurt.
So, don’t be surprised that you become tongue-tied when it comes to revealing a fantasy to someone you love and trust above all others.
But muster your courage and proceed. The best part of mining a deep intimacy with someone is knowing that this person, out of all people, has your back. Accepts you. Appreciates and respects your act of vulnerability and trust. And really, if this is someone you’ve known for years, they may have suspected a thing or two about your naughty little noggin anyway.
Hell, you’d be damned surprised (and eager) to learn what’s in theirs, wouldn’t you?!
How to Spill the Beans
Although it might seem like the best time to talk about sex is when having sex, for revealing a fantasy for the first time, it’s probably best instead that you and your partner have your wits about you. So, what are some of the best (safest ways) to tell your lover your fantasy? Some suggestions:
- If you and your partner are inclined to watch porn together or even talk about the porn you both might be watching solo, maybe slip in a description of a scene, even if it's just your fantasy and not something you ever watched.
- Take the onus off of you for the moment (hell, this fantasy is about you, you will be the center of attention soon enough) by asking your partner, in the multitude of ways that you can: “Hey, is there anything you have never tried you might want to get into?” Or, if this is a new partner, prod them lightly about the wildest, funnest, most enjoyable things from their sexual past. There is nothing sexier than showing interest. Besides, this simple inquiry could open up a whole evening of tit-for-tat revealing. And wouldn’t it be something if both of you had the same fantasy? Kismet!
- You could simply bring a toy, an article of clothing, hell, even a book to bed. So much can hint at your lusty hidden thoughts.
- You might attend a local “munch” (get-togethers of like-minded kinky people, “lifestylers,” as well as novices, who gather at some location like a restaurant or bar, to socialize and break bread, not to play simply…just yet). Even in these unusual social times, munches still happen, or they occur digitally even, and you might be able to introduce your lover to people and ideas that lean in your fantasy direction.
Feeling awkward or shy about revealing your fantasy, even to someone you love and know well, is expected. You are turning your head to one side, letting gooey naughty stuff spill out of your ear, into your mouth, to hopefully see your fantasy bounce positively across your fourposter. Sharing this intimacy--making yourself vulnerable--empowers you to be your most authentic self and the choice to be honest with yourself and your partner (and they being honest with us) brings couples closer.
And growing close to someone, especially with someone over the long term, is certainly one of the reasons we have sex in the first place, right?
The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
