If Belle Burden’s Memoir Taught Us Anything, It’s That Both Partners in a Marriage Need to Understand Their Financial Picture. So I Talked to Deirdre Prescott, Founder of Sandy Cove Advisors, Who Has Advised Hundreds of Married Couples, As Well as Over 50 Women Going Through Divorce.
Strangers, Belle Burden’s bestselling memoir about the sudden dissolution of what appeared to be a perfect marriage, became an immediate bestseller when it was published in January. It is a deeply resonant story of the sudden dissolution of what appeared to be a perfect marriage and family.
Much of the immediate attention focused on the memoir’s central theme: did she ever really know her mild-mannered, seemingly devoted husband of 20 years, or was he a stranger all along?
But for many readers, and all those who work as financial or legal advisors on family matters, the real question was why Belle, a corporate attorney at a top Wall Street firm, agreed to the aggressive rider to their prenup that her fiance James presented weeks before their wedding, despite her attorney’s objections? And the real suspense was over how Belle and her ex’s assets would ultimately get split. Would the judge enforce their one-sided prenup?
In a March episode of the Financial Tea podcast, Belle admitted that she signed, but didn’t read the couple’s tax returns, and that she acquiesced on all financial matters to her husband during the marriage. This, despite the fact that as a Vanderbilt heir, she brought millions from her inheritance into the marriage. (He brought next to nothing.)
I was, she says, “willfully naive” because “there was something romantic almost about handing [all financial matters] over to him … and he said "I’m going to take care of you …"
While the size of the estate she and her husband ultimately went to court over — and the finer details of their prenuptial agreement — may differ greatly from yours or mine, the underlying sentiment is far more universal. Many people equate financial dependence with romance: the idea that being "taken care of" financially is a sign of love, while remaining intentionally uninvolved in the family’s financial life feels easier, less stressful, or even comforting.
"Even in strong marriages, it’s important for both partners to understand their financial picture. Often couples have a divide-and-conquer approach, with one spouse handling the bills and the other handling the investments. While that might make sense, both partners need to understand the full picture, stay involved in all big financial decision-making and have rights and access to all advisors, accounts, statements and tax returns and accountants," says Deirdre Prescott.
Most importantly, says Deirdre, "if you’ve been uninvolved in your financial life, start now. Many women discover they are capable of learning quickly, gaining confidence and even enjoying the process, or at the very least, finding comfort in avoiding unwelcome surprises down the road."
"One helpful way to think about this is that it is not just for you, staying informed and understanding your financial realities is not just taking care of yourself, it is taking care of your children and grandchildren," says Deirdre.
Here’s what Deirdre Prescott says both partners need to know, do and be involved in:
Sandy Cove's Financial Checklist for Married Couples
1. Know Your Full Financial Picture
- Know where all accounts are held: bank, brokerage, retirement accounts, life insurance and credit cards.
- Know your monthly and annual spendings (“burn rate”) and how it compares to your income and overall wealth.
- Attend annual investment meetings and understand your portfolio strategy. Make sure your advisor respects your questions, especially if you're not the "lead" partner.
- Review your tax return before signing. Ask your preparer: "Have we taken any aggressive positions?" "What changed from last year?"
- Confirm beneficiary designations on retirement accounts and life insurance pass outside of a will, so confirm the named beneficiaries are current and correct.
- Get login credentials for all joint and other financial accounts and check them regularly. Cross-reference with your tax return to confirm you know about every account.
- Keep a bank account or credit card in your name alone so you have liquidity when you need it and individual credit, essential whether you face divorce or widowhood.
- If your spouse is the primary earner, ask about deferred compensation. Executives can defer significant income to future years.
- Both spouses should pull their Social Security Statement (www.ssa.gov), annual FICO report and review each other's benefits, scores, inputs, and disclosures.
- If family assets are held in trust and you weren't involved in setting them up, review them with an attorney: what's held where, how it's titled, how it passes.
- If you signed a prenup, consider reviewing it annually, especially if you signed it decades ago (or if, when you did, you ignored your attorney’s advice).
2. Maintain Access to Important Documents
- At least annually, gather and save copies of tax returns, statements, retirement accounts, mortgage documents, and insurance policies.
- Store copies securely in a personal cloud account or private location and be mindful of shared devices and logins.
- Know the login to spouse’s computer and phone, with dual authentication becoming more the norm.
- Don't overlook group/company life insurance or deferred compensation statements, typically issued quarterly or annually.
- Keep copies of all deeds and confirm your name appears where it should.
- Know where your wills, healthcare proxies, and powers of attorney are kept, and make sure yours are up to date. Review your trust and estate plan at least every five years.
3. Ask Yourself This Question: What Would Happen If …”
As you go through the above, ask your advisors and yourself this question: what would happen if my spouse got in a car crash and was incapacitated or died tomorrow (god forbid)? Where is my cash, how do I make sure all important bills are paid, how much credit do I have on my credit card(s)?
In fact, that could be the best way to approach your partner about getting involved if you haven’t been over the course of your marriage. Suggest that you don’t want to have any financial shocks if something catastrophic were to happen to your spouse. “What can often precipitate one partner gaining an interest in their own marital financial realities is that the spouse of a close friend, sibling or a parent dies. They witness firsthand the double-whammy a loved one is going through when there is a traumatic scramble to pay bills or get on top of a financial emergency while dealing with the loss of a spouse. It’s awful, but it does serve as a head’s up.”
What you might not want to say? That your involvement in your joint financial affairs was precipitated by reading Belle Burden’s divorce memoir. That could trigger some defensiveness, or worse. Even though that seems to be the reason a lot of women are for the first time getting involved, and we are extremely grateful to Belle for that.
In Part 2 of this financial series, we will share a checklist from Sandy Cove Advisors for those going through or anticipating divorce.
I realized while discussing Strangers with friends, as well as going through financial matters with my own mother, that we all have stories involving marriage and finances. I’d love to share yours. Send me an email at Dish@PrimeCrush.com or use the link below.
To read the full CRUSH Letter that this story appeared go here.
Here are other stories we published in The CRUSH Letter on Belle Burden’s Strangers:
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Some further stories you might like from The CRUSH Letter:
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