A Guest Guide from Your Fellow CRUSH Readers Who Host Frequently.
Thanks for sharing your insights, CRUSH Hosts. If I could sum up the feedback they gave it would be that while we’d all like to have a "go to knock-it-out-of-the-park host gift" on tap for when we’re showing up a a friends as a guest, the best host gifts (like all gifts) are highly tailored to the recipient, the recipient’s home and living experience.
The good news is that there is a formula, it just might involve doing it backwards and not showing up with it in hand. Read Annie’s advice below.
The one thing we heard over and over again is that hosts are sick of getting things they don’t want. They already have a pile up. At the top of the list on things they get that they don’t want: a case of wine they don’t like, gift cards to nearby restaurants they don’t actually like, or spas they’ll never go to.
Diane provided a perfect example of both a gift and a courtesy with this entry:
"We have a dog centric household and you get greeted at the threshold by Polo & Scout. The best housewarming gift was a doormat that says ‘we hope you like dogs’. The worst was when someone brought kerchiefs for the dogs and insisted on putting them on. It was painful not to be rude and explain that we are not an ‘animals in clothes’ house." - Diane
I’d also like to point out that Southern Living published a guide on what their readers’ suggest that guests bring their hosts (other than a bottle of wine). Southern Living is a media outlet that I’d guess would nail this particular topic, for obvious reasons, but I have only this to say: there is nothing original there, and nothing we didn’t offer up, only better. CRUSH Readers, you’re so much cooler, not to mention more helpful. Thank you.
Entertain themselves when it is “off time.”
Do a little research before you show up, have some ideas of things to potentially do on your own. I love it when somebody takes off for a few hours on their own to check out something. Obviously check in with me first and say, “while I’m here I wanted to X, Y, Z and if it’s not something you want to see yet another time, when might be a good window for that?” That lets me know they’ll be off my hands and we can figure out together when.- Annie
"I strongly suggest to my guests to rent a car and to go sightseeing without me. And, rule No 1, they have to fix their own breakfast!" - Cornelia
Actively engage socially with the guests or family members also there.
"This seems obvious but it’s not! Don’t think you’re getting a one-on-one, or couples’ week end with me and my husband unless that was specified going in. We often have a full house. Engage with whomever is there. It takes pressure off me so I can get some things done. If you’re not the only guest it’s so helpful for you to not assume that you’re going to spend significant one-on-one time with me, but rather that it is about being part of the whole household.
Be aware of what’s happening in the household. Be in a good mood! Understand that when you’re a guest you’re expected to show up, come down for cocktails even if you don’t drink, etc." - James
Specific ways to chip in:
"Load the dishwasher and strip the beds." - Diane
"Offer to help with household chores and/or shopping." - Cornelia
Figure out what’s needed and how to contribute:
"I think people forget that you’re not a hotel. That even though you might have help with cleaning, there is so much work in hosting. Although we’ve received some fabulous gifts, most often the best gift is not a ‘thing,’ it‘s being a thoughtful, easy, considerate and helpful guest. Just notice. Contribute. Just be an additional set of hands. If there is a down moment, ask whether you should do a grocery run for anything. Say that you passed a gorgeous farm stand you’d like to go to and ask if there is something there you might pick up for the house. Say you noticed a wonderful local homemade ice cream place - should you go get a gallon for dessert?" - Hope
We also asked our hosts what items they always bring when staying at someone else’s home:
"I always try for the thing they needed but didn’t know they needed — Dreamy coffee beans or Everyday Oil." - Diane
"My own snacks that I can eat whenever I’m hungry without bothering the host."
- Annie
"Snacks that don’t require refrigeration. I mean snacks that I keep in my room because often you’re not eating on your own timeframe and I want to be able to blunt any cravings without imposing on the host. One of the most annoying things guests can do when dinner is planned for 2-3 hours later is say “I’m starving.” So annoying. That means that on top of organizing / managing the main meals I now have to come up with some snacks off the cuff. So I always have wrapped protein bars or nuts in my bag. Wrapped! Not chocolate — in case they have dogs." - James
"A good book." - Cornelia, Annie
The number one thing to keep in mind as a guest: your host doesn’t want more stuff.
"I try to discourage my guests from bringing anything but themselves, but if they insist I suggest a book that was a game changer for them.“ - Cornelia
Dish’s note: I love Cornelia’s idea here on what to suggest if they insist. It gives them something to bring which makes them feel better, and you end up with a highly recommended book to check out.
The most useful, universally applicable tip for guests: if you feel you really must give a gift then observe, observe, observe and send something relevant afterward.
"The guests who really know what they’re doing don’t come with a ‘gift gift’ unless they’ve been to your house recently or otherwise have a way of really knowing what you/your house really needs. They might come with some food or coffee item(s) to contribute to the kitchen for the weekend (homemade muffins or cookies are always nice). The best guests send a gift afterwards that is geared toward what we did, or what we (or the home) needs. Sending something afterward increases the probability that they are giving me something useful, and not something I have to then give away or worse yet, store!
In this vein, friends have restocked my coffee by sending pounds of whatever the house coffee is. Same with a case of the white wine I served. One sent a gorgeous throw in the same color/style as one already in the den because she noticed that we could have used multiples when we were watching tv on a cold night. I went to an arts and crafts fair with one friend and bought a small watercolor — she contacted the artist and had a second one sent to me so I could display them as a pair. One friend sent an envelope of guest ski passes because it was the beginning of the season and she thought I could use them for my nieces and nephews who were coming sans parents later that month. One made a donation in our names to a local charity I support. I have an outdoor pizza oven, and one friend sent a bunch of pizza accessories from the same line — a special peel for turning the pizza. One sent a package from Hannah Anderson of the vintage blue striped long john pajama sets for our kids (and a matching one for our dog!) after a bitter cold ski weekend. She got them for her kids too and we exchanged photos of our kids in them - goofy, but sweet. Oh, after a very, very wet girls’ hiking weekend, one girlfriend sent us all wool hiking socks — she sent me a few pairs so that I’d have extras for any guests who showed up unprepared. Mostly these are not expensive gifts - they are relevant, they ‘cap’ a special experience from the weekend or they contribute to the house." - Annie
A rare example of somebody who really knew the home and family and came with a highly tailored gift. (And one who didn’t.)
"We have a dog centric household and you get greeted at the threshold by Polo & Scout. The best housewarming gift was a doormat that says ‘we hope you like dogs’. The worst was when someone brought kerchiefs for the dogs and insisted on putting them on. It was painful not to be rude and explain that we are not an ‘animals in clothes’ house." - Diane
Dish’s note: Oh wow, that’s bad. The kerchief thing. Koko would be so annoyed!
My ’go to’ when I am going to be a guest some place where it will be a big gathering.
“My friend Allie gave me the suggestion of ordering a bundle of Zabar’s New York Bagels, cream cheese and lox for delivery as a host gift when going to a house where there will be a crowd. I ordered multiple bundles to be delivered on the day I arrived at my friend’s Cape house for July 4th weekend last summer. She had a large crowd staying there, including high school, college and post-college kids. She put the bagel spread out every morning and the kids helped themselves. She said it was an absolute lifesaver (doubly so because you can’t find good bagels on the Cape). She froze the leftover bagels. She told me it was the best hostess gift, hands-down.
After that, I did the same thing for my brother’s house at Christmas and then for a friend’s ski house for a family trip to Montana. All big hits. Thanks for making me look good, Allie!“ - Dish
Got a crowd-pleasing host gift up your sleeve or a favorite way to contribute? We will add it to Part 2 next week. In fact, this is such a rich topic that we can keep it going all summer, or for as long as the good tips come in.
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