You May Be Single, But You’re Not Alone.
Almost half of the adult population in the U.S. is unmarried, a 10% increase since 1970. But don’t ask them if "they've found somebody special yet," because they might not be looking. And don’t act like you feel sorry for them either. Their lives are very often full of love, just not the way the world wants it for them.
Being a “contented solo” is having a moment. What else could explain the increasingly hyped-up volume and number of articles and books reminding us of the virtues of marriage, if not the need to raise alarm bells over the rise in the number of adults choosing not to marry? From ____ in The Atlantic, to Ross Douthat in the New York Times, to ____ a lot of _____ linking the decline in happiness to the decline in marriage.
Evidently, they either haven't heard Miley Cyrus's anthem to being single, Flowers, or they have, and are very, very concerned that those of us who are solo are on to something that is going to create social anarchy. articles create a set-up of the happily married, on the one hand, and miserable solo, on the other.
{Living alone, historically, was never chosen; rather, being single was a status one endured, or was subjected to—or so the thinking went. The recent research (which I haven't dug into) appears to reaffirm broad assumptions that have been around forever, that those who are permanently partnered up are happier. Yet everywhere I turn I see signs that people are recognizing the validity and even, upsides, to solo life. Not to mention ... assumption ... when partnering up isn’t consistently and mistakenly conflated with living a fuller life. That's a good thing.}
If we lived in a world with less societal pressure for partnering up, fewer people would feel compelled to rush in to relationship, ignoring red flags and their own true preferences on how to spend their time. More people would have the room to choose the path leading to their most abundant life. Abundance for some people might mean the opportunity to devote more of themselves to creating a masterpiece, whether that takes the form of art, science, service, or simply greater dedication to their family, friends and community. Don’t get me wrong, creating a happy marriage (or romantic partnership) is a masterpiece. It’s just that it’s not the masterpiece everyone wants (or should feel compelled) to create.
There is a lingering idea, a harmful and sometimes painful notion to those who are solo, that love will find you if only you open your heart to it. Or compromise a lot more. Or work harder to find it. The implication is that the world abounds in potential romantic partners with whom you could enter into a stable and rewarding romantic partnership. You just need to pull yourself together to get it. Yet the more complicated and committed your life becomes as you age, the less true that is (if it were ever true). A good partner for any particular person can be really fucking hard to find. The exploding "dating industry" of apps, matchmakers, books and even television shows is a testament to that reality.
The {worst thing} about the { } is the false implication that your life is “less” if you are not partnered— less full, less loving, less secure. It often projects one’s own needs and preferences, which align with societal convention, onto everyone. For those who are solo by choice, it ignores the fact that love has often already found them. It’s just not in the form of making a single romantic partner the organizing principle and priority of their life. They've organized their lives around another way of living, where they can devote and distribute time and energy to a larger cadre of people, as well as to other pursuits and passions. And it goes without saying, they love themselves enough to choose a lifestyle that aligns with their values.
What I am seeing more of in my peer group are contented solo's. Friends living solo by choice. While they may enjoy going out on dates, or having a steady(ish) romantic companion, they are not necessarily searching for a serious, long-term romantic partner to intermingle their lives with. They’re content without merging their lives with a romantic partners, and embrace a life of fully appreciating the upsides of their status.
Single people enjoy an expanse of time to cherish and indulge their friendships and family relationships in a way that eludes parents and people in relationships. Because solos don’t have “built-in” company and support, I've noticed that they don't (and can’t) coast when it comes to their friendships. They put the effort in, make them a critical part of their lives and get the benefits that come from friendships that are real and actively tended to. They build close, deep and reliable friendship structures. They very likely have whatever kind and level of committed (or less so) romantic liaisons they seek — whether that’s with a friend, regular lover, or ex — arrangements are easier to come by than ever today. And they have the time to become the sort of critical “backbone” members of their chosen communities. For those reasons, many solos feel socially fulfilled, and very loved. They do not fit the inaccurate and outdated stereotype: “one is the loneliest number.”
And solo status, I contend, is probably the right choice for those who are workaholics. (A couple of ex's come to mind as prime examples.) If it’s not a top priority to give quality time and attention to the partner you’re considering committing to, it’s probably better not to commit to them. Hustle culture has been pervasive for decades, and it is even less compatible with coupling up as we age because we bring so much other baggage to the relationship.
“Marriage is overprescribed,” says Peter McGraw, a professor at the University of Colorado and expert on the rise of singles in the U.S. There are 128 million unmarried adults in the U.S., according to McGraw, which is 50% of the adult population. From 1970 to 2020, the number of unmarried adults rose from 36% to a whopping 48%.
In The Crush Letter No. 27, we recommended McGraw’s podcast, SOLO: The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life, and his Unapologetically Unattached Instagram, where you’ll find a community where singleness is celebrated. It’s not an anti-marriage movement, but it’s a movement that recognizes the need for life paths that don’t involve a plus-one. I think it's a healthy, wonderful development.
Personally, I feel as committed to my solo status as I am to the need to merge my life with another's. Which is to say, I am not declaring a long-term allegiance to one path or another. What I know for sure is that I'm solo and my life feels big, full and happy, filled with emotional intimacy, romantic energy and love. I am open to the possibility of a romantic partnership, actually actively open in this moment, which is a moment I intend to enjoy and patiently linger in for a while, or forever. Until it looks like I've found somebody where we can mutually create something that works for our respective unique, already complicated and full lives. Something that, on balance, adds good company, sustenance, laughter, joy and orgasms to lives that are essentially already sturdy and good.
Achieving any amount of peace with your life as a solo, whether you are committed to it forever or for as long as long as its your best option, is more than a mindset. It requires a commitment to taking care of yourself physically and emotionally, putting a lot of conscious energy into your friendships (sometimes more than others seem to be giving, with the hopes that they'll come along), finding ways to charmingly deflect the admonitions of family, friends, passing acquaintances and even strangers to partner up. It requires taking risks – the risk of feeling like you might look like a fool and not unrelatedly, risks associated with being the one to issue invitations, or to show up alone. Sometimes hardest of all, it requires getting out of the house, often to try new things you're not sure you'll like with people you're not sure you'll enjoy, even when you'd prefer to stay in with your dog and read. You get better at all of this over time, and your steadfastness is eventually rewarded.
If I could go back 12 years to the period when I initially became single again in my 40's I'd tell myself that the right big-picture strategy is to build a life I love. Instead of rushing out to fill a hole somebody left, or letting others rush in, focus on creating a full life for yourself around friends, work, community, family. That will allow you to be both patient and choosy, and to see each potential romantic partner with clarity on his own merits and not in comparison with the last romantic partner. Then stay open, curious, humble and courageous. Find a really good vibrator right away. Perhaps a few.
In that context, looking back I'm just not sure about {the merits} of a few of my relationships that went on a year or two, but significantly past their due date, because things are painful and hard to get out of. On balance, even though all of the men I've had significant relationships were fundamentally good men, I wonder whether some of those relationships were [more disruptive] to my overall well-being. More than anything, they disrupted the process of creating the fulfilling life I have now, which has come on the back of my longest period as a solo. Some certainly helped me along; others not so much. But it was hard to be standing there alone and ignore the opportunity offered by somebody worthy standing in front of you offering up a relationship, even when there were potent "yield" signs from the outset. And I think a lot of that is owing to pressure.
At any rate, no amount of pressure to couple up, internal or external, whether it is generated from a scientific study or an Aunt's prodding, is going to conjure up a promising romantic partner. They are hard to find for almost everyone, and all the more at our stage. Nor is the pressure likely to result in a relationship that is truly good and lasting. It takes time to know somebody well enough to build that. To the contrary, the pressure to couple up creates desperation, exasperation and disappointment, and puts {pressure} on rushed decision-making.
Until then, or for forever, I'll just buy myself flowers.
If you love me as much as I love you (and I really do love you!), then please help me grow by forwarding this {love} Letter to a friend! And I'd love to have you join us on instagram, facebook & twitter.
The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter curated by Dish Stanley on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
