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Hello Crush,
Hi, hi, hi!
Happy Mother’s Day! Here’s my Mother’s favorite quote:
“If you accept a dinner party invitation, you have a moral obligation to be amusing.” The Duchess of Windsor
That, and “Lipstick counts as an accessory.”
God bless her.
Enjoy!
In This Letter. +Hot Thots. Lessons In Good Social Energy, or ‘PIP‘ (Part 1) By Dish Stanley +Willing. The Philadelphia Story: Cynthia and Phil by Lisa Ellex +Three Things: Health + Wellness from CRUSH Reader Mieke +Roam: Lima, Perú. From CRUSH Reader Patrick Maido(!) +dishing. +Social Media I Loved This Week. +Our Song of the Week Tonight I saved my life when I showed you the door
Hot Thots. Lessons In Good Social Energy, or ‘PIP‘ (Part 1). By Dish Stanley
Where I go to a fancy charity luncheon to get schooled on how we help improve infant health and walk away learning some much-need social skills. And which brush is best for eyeliner.
Has it ever happened to you that you are at an event and you meet somebody who has what I’ll call ‘perfect interactive presence?’ Okay, that’s clunky, forgive me, I’ll explain. It’s my friend Pam’s term. The first time I heard it we were at a cocktail party. She tiptoed over, leaned into me conspiratorially, nodded toward the far corner of the room and said, in staccato as if it were one long sentence “red dress, gold clutch, talked to her in cocktail line, she’s to PIP.”
“Got what?”
“My point is, you want to meet her, Dish. Good social energy.”
In truth I don’t know what PIP is an abbreviation for and I can’t reach Pam. So I made up ’perfect interactive presence,’ as a placeholder for now. I looked it up online and I’m certain it doesn’t stand for what AI suggested it might, which is “Performance Improvement Plan.”
What Pam means by PIP is that ‘this is an excellent person (emphasis is emphatic) to bump into at a cocktail party.’ Or be seated next to at something of more duration, like a dinner party or charity lunch. (Though I truly am sorry if you find yourself at a charity lunch. Sometimes though, I find it can’t be helped.)
A person with PIP has a perfect balance of ‘up energy’ that doesn’t annoy. A person who generates or contributes something amusing to a conversation, but doesn’t dominate. A person who acts as if they are happy to see (or meet) you, in particular, because they make you feel that you’re interesting. A person who can adeptly go up to anybody and introduce themselves, start a fun conversation, ask about you, focus and listen.
If that description makes it sound like it’s easy to have PIP, then why are there so few people with it? Pam and I have struggled with this in an ongoing conversation that has taken place for over a decade.
The answer is that it‘s way harder to have PIP than it sounds.
The way Pam uses it, PIP signifies a glorified status. If it were an SAT test and you took it back in the day, it would be like getting a score above 780 (I’m talking the aughts when I, and many other CRUSH Readers, took our SATs).
For one thing, a prerequisite to having PIP is having a genuine interest in others. In hearing their stories. Maybe I attract a disproportionate number of Mariah Carey’s (i.e., divas) and Tom Selleck-types (no explanation required), but I’ve always taken the position with Pam that most people fail right there. Showing genuine interest.
And there’s the issue that you could be genuinely interested in others but not have the confidence to introduce yourself, or to start a conversation with somebody you don’t know.
And, also, to reach PIP status you‘d have to be able to get the conversation going in some compelling way. In some way that sparks an actually back-and-forth. This is where Pam believes most people fail.
For example, someone with PIP wouldn’t run into a social acquaintance and say “How are you?” No matter how heartfelt it is. That would be phoning it in. It‘s expected and it’s dull and it doesn’t evidence that you already know the person. A PIP would follow an initial hello with an opener like:
“I was hoping you’d be here because I need a great book recommendation.” (It‘s a compliment as well as a conversation starter — and it is tailored to the person’s strength, eg, you need that person’s advice on where to get a black tie suit, the name of his decorator, somebody who can teach me to play backgammon/mah Jong/magic as well as you.” Other strong PIP conversation starters:
“You travel so much. Got any exciting trips coming up?” or
“I saw from your instagram you turned 70. What are you doing to celebrate?”
Let’s say nothing specific comes to mind about this social acquaintance, a PIP move would be noticing something they're wearing (if it’s unique) and asking if they got it some place special.” Or if at a complete loss, “What have you got going on that’s exciting?”
All of these are far superior to actually leading into conversation to “How are you?”.
And yes, I think you can learn PIP. I’ve been trying to up my PIP game ever since I moved last year, to varying degrees of success. I’ll write more about my efforts at upping my PIP in Part 2, but the reason I bring all this up is that I’ve found that a good way to increase my PIP is to recognize PIP in others. So I want to tell you about this woman I just met.
I was at a fancy charity lunch. It is something I try to politely avoid if I can. But I went to show support for a good friend, which is a good reason to do a lot of things you might not otherwise be inclined to do. My friend Candace has been deeply involved in various leadership positions with this particular charity over many years.
It started with a cocktail hour that exceeded my patience even more than Adrien Brody’s Oscar acceptance speech. Then we (meaning a few hundred nearly identically-dressed women uniformly attired in some variation of floral, about half of whom had lips so blown up with filler they resembled blobfish) moved from a room with exquisite views of the Atlantic Ocean into a stately dining room. It had much less expansive views, but who cared because it felt like progress.
I went to the spot with my name on the place card and stood behind my chair, waiting for Candace (the host) to join us before taking a seat, as did eight of her nine guests. The woman on my left looked familiar, and I warmly re-introduced myself to “Cindy.” I complimented her on how great she looked, saying, “Oh my god, you’re ageless,” while really actually hoping (praying) she would respond by telling me who did her filler. Because she, too, had succumbed to blobfish lips and I wanted to make sure to avoid whomever she (and evidently half the room) used for filler injections. (Cindy didn’t bite.)
Continue reading here
But one thing I need to know before you go over — and it’s not a complete non sequitir - do you want me to pass on eyeliner tips?
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Willing. The Philadelphia Story: Cynthia and Phil by Lisa Ellex
Willing is our ongoing series about dating at this stage. It’s so complicated. We’ve got emotional scar tissue from umpteen years of living and loving and loss. We’ve got nerves. We’ve got the practical obstacles of baked-in structures and demands, familial and geographic. Too often, we just can’t break through. But then, sometimes we do.
Cynthia met “Phil” online. A handsome and successful widower, Phil had lost his wife a year earlier. He moved from Minneapolis after raising his kids there and was now a top CEO in Philadelphia.
Phil and Cynthia enjoyed a glorious year of dating; she had grown up in Philadelphia, was from a prominent family and a member of various golf and tennis clubs, and was fully integrated in an affluent social community. She introduced him to the city and her close-knit world there; he appreciated and enjoyed her and her friends and toward the end of their first year together, Phil made it clear that he wanted to move from his rental into a home Cynthia would be happy to live in. With the help of her realtor friends, Cynthia found Phil a great place to purchase and offered to coordinate his renovation since she had more flexibility in her job than he did. Phil agreed. He told Cynthia that he felt their relationship was life-changing, and he would love it if they talked about moving in when the renovation was done. Thinking she had found the man, Cynthia was ecstatic.
Although Phil clearly expressed to Cynthia how much he loved this new life with her, they somehow never shared any vacation time. As a new CEO he had few days off and that luxury was reserved for taking trips with his two twenty-something daughters. From Paris to the Bahamas to long weekends at upscale New York City hotels, no destination was too big of a splurge. Afterall, for Phil, money was no object; it was time that he lacked. Since the passing of his wife, Phil had coveted his newly reformulated little family and considered his time with the girls as precious. So precious that Phil never took calls from them in Cynthia’s presence. Unbeknownst to Cynthia, Phil’s daughters never knew he was dating!
One day Phil announced he had some happy news to share: his eldest daughter was engaged and he would soon be off to Minneapolis to spend some celebratory time with her. Cynthia did not get invited to the daddy-daughter weekend.
Continue reading here
Roam: Lima, Perú. From CRUSH Reader Patrick
A recurring column where CRUSH Readers share a snapshot of where they’ve been and what they loved there.
Tell us a little bit about you..
New Yorker, culture nerd, hispanophile and overall bon vivant, I'm passionate about exploring destinations that blend rich culture, history and culinary delights. When I travel (which I do often) I usually aim for extreme value within what’s usually considered a “splurge” experience (I.e. hidden gem top restaurants or using points to fly lie-flat business class abroad). While I focus my travels on history and local character — and thus, adore stylish boutique hotels— I don’t hesitate to stay in chains that offer modern conveniences and are well-located. [I appreciate finding gems that offer value (in location, experience, quality), but I don’t hesitate to splurge where it’s worth it. And while I prefer to stay someplace stylish with character, I don’t hesitate to stay in chains that offer modern conveniences and are well-located, especially if I can use my points.]
What is the reason that you’d go back?
Lima has unbelievably fresh seafood, a growing scene of creatively-inclined chefs, and a top-notch culture of customer service.
In one word, describe the atmosphere:
Fog-ridden
Where did you stay?
Hilton Garden Inn Lima Miraflores
Any restaurant recommendations?
Any recommendations for someone who has never been there - can’t miss things to do or see?
Don’t miss the Museo Larco or the Amano textile museum!
Anything else we should know?
Be ready for a North American-style city filled with unimaginable traffic and a perpetual coastal Marine fog layer.
Three Things I'm Crushing On. Health & Wellness, Including The Best, Cleanest Sleep Gummie. By Mieke
In this series, readers like you share recommendations for the things they love the most, right at this moment.
BATCH! The absolute best CBD/CBN and not all but some has THC in it if you want that in the mix too. You’ll want to know that the CBD sleep product, either the gummies or the drops, are by far the best, cleanest and most effective of all the many sleep products I have tried…and I have a bit of knowledge in this area, having dated a man for years who is in that business. The company is based in Wisconsin. They are very communicative, and transparent. The sleep is solid and comes with zero after-effects no matter when you wake up. Then there are other effective products like the mushroom gummies and various products with some THC if that’s your jam. A little smidge on a cozy rainy day never hurt 😅. Great quality and they work!
ZO SKIN HEALTH. Some salons and doctor offices carry this line of various skin care products, as well as Amazon. Prices vary but they are not overboard ..ie La Mer 😱. I was an Obagi fan in the day and actually stuck to its routine for a couple of years. Dermatologist and founder, Zein Obagi, phased out from Obagi for mixed reasons, and started ZO SKIN HEALTH. Then I met the company attorney on a cruise who explained ZO was even “more so” in quality. My favorite in the line is the ZO tinted sunscreen & primer because the coverage is soft and natural.
HRT! BioTE Pellets. Hormone replacement therapy, of which there a several combinations. What works well for me (after an extensive blood work up) is BioTE pellets. I love it because it is good for dry skin, sleep and sex drive…all things that decrease after menopause. It was a game changer! There are mostly pros to this particular HRT but needs adjusting to your particular hormones. At first I might have gotten too much testosterone because I felt like a 20 year old haha but WHOA!🤯 ask your Dr. what methods she prefers.
Anything else you’d like to share?
I love the CRUSH information that others post and have tried several of the items. All good!!! Thank you
Thank you, Mieke! I have just ordered the BATCH CBD Oil Tincture (i.e., ‘sleep drops) and the ZO Sunscreen + Primer. I am at that stage where I occasionally need help with sleep - it’s not common, but when I need it, I really need it because I have something big the next day. Also, I have recently become addicted to primer to smooth out my pores, etc., and a version that is clean and with sunscreen is a winner. I can’t wait to try these! XO Dish
CRUSH Readers: Our community really appreciates your recommendations. I know that I do! Our community is smart and does their trials and research. I get feedback all the time that Readers try the products you recommend, so thrown in all your spring / summer / eternal rec’s here. Thanks so much!
dishing.
things that are getting me off these days.
"While there have been a good many men in my life, there has only ever been one woman …" So begins Barry Diller’s telling of his love story with Diane von Furstenberg (NY Magazine). It was a thrill to read: fabulous writing style, full of candid and often vulnerable admissions, like the one of their first encounter: "She looked through me like cellophane, and I left that night thinking that after her casual obliviousness and Egon’s [that is Prince Egon von Furstenberg, Diane’s husband at the time] put-down, nothing could ever induce me to see either of them again.“ Much less vulnerable but every bit as eye-opening is the glimpse you get into their first-tier jet setting lifestyle. I do not understand the criticisms of their choice to be together in the way in which they have been together for 50 years (married for 24), since clearly they have created a loving, successful, supportive relationship and family life. When people throw around the phrase “own your life” or “inhabit your life,” this is what they mean.
Their story reminded me of our TOPIX series, which includes first-hand stories on how we are choosing to live and love at this stage and, in particular, Mike Johnson’s story My Marital Arrangement.
Are you barrel jean curious? When I wrote about seeing Michelle Williams at that club with clout in the West Village recently quite a few of you took a look at the barrel jeans from Citizens of Humanity that resembled what I said she was wearing. So I feel I should tell you about these olive barrel jeans from the GAP that have a similar shape and are on sale for $53.00, while they last.
A list of New York City’s best beauty spots might be useful (From The Cut). It includes my regular haunt, Zitomer’s.
Social Media I Loved This Week
Song of the Week
The Door By Teddy Swims
This song has a great sound, and I love Teddy Swims. It’s an anthem for those trying to get out of a toxic relationship.
Have a wonderful week! Summer is almost here!
XO,
Dish
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The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
