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Hello Crush,
I have a lot of thoughts on men’s style at the moment. One reason — and I hadn’t mentioned this to you yet because I was going to wrap this tidbit into a Summer Men’s Style Letter — is that while I was in New Zealand in March I met Kelly Slater.
Slater is the undisputed GOAT in professional surfing. His accomplishments include a record-breaking 11 World Surf League championships, 56 Championship Tour victories, and a career spanning over 30 years, from 1992 to 2023.
Until I bumped into a friend from L.A. who was in New Zealand at the same time I was I didn’t know who Slater was. My friend was there with her husband and a bunch of their friends, and she invited me to join her table for dinner. “Sure,” I said, because my golfing partner hadn’t arrived yet. Slater, along with everyone else, was already at the table. “Room for one more?” she said as we walked up. “Absolutely!” they replied, as they scooted their chairs over to make room.
Her friends had flown in from L.A., Hawaii, London, West Palm Beach and Monaco to play golf in New Zealand. It was a table of ten, and I made it 11. (You got to love a friend who makes room for you at their already-full table, right?) The seat that opened up was next to Slater. He, like everyone, gave me a warm hello when I sat down and then he said, “I’m Kelly.” We chatted back-and-forth a little over the course of the meal: Me, asking him, “Where did you fly in from?”* And him saying “Hawaii. How about you?”*As we were breaking, my friend’s husband leaned into me and whispered, “You know which Kelly you’ve been talking to, right? Slater? He’s the winningest athlete in any sport ever. His is surfing. He also plays to a 0.4 handicap in golf.”
I’m telling you, CRUSHes, Slater was understated, soft-spoken, light, thoughtful and fun. A contributor to the group’s conversation who didn’t try (or need) to be the center of attention. He was also super hot.
And now (and I am not alone here) I have a major crush on him.
Slater is 53 and retired from competitive surfing. In addition to dinner, I bumped into him a few times over the next couple days while going in and out of the clubhouse to play golf. His style is ‘of a piece’ with his personality. Relaxed and sporty, soft-spoken, not at all flashy, leaning toward an updated, unfussy classic aesthetic. Whatever preconceived notions I might have had about how surfers dress, they were washed out. Because Slater is casually elegant. I’d go so far as to say that he’s got a very modern gentleman’s look.
In fact, my impression is that Slater is very much a gentleman, in manner and appearance.
But I bring up Slater earlier than I had intended for a reason. To introduce you to the upcoming Summer Men’s Style Letter and to ask: got anything you’d like to throw in the mix? What will you (or your male squeeze) be wearing this summer? Sunglasses, watches, jeans, sneakers, shorts, hats, t-shirts, boxers, summer suits. Where do you shop? Favorite brands? Any favorite style sources (instagram/mags/newsletters)? Really, nothing having to do with men’s looks is irrelevant.
PS: Here is Slater’s instagram post about his trip to New Zealand — the very one where I met him over dinner (and when they arrived later, I also met his girlfriend and their baby).
*My question to Slater, “Where did you fly in from?” was ‘meh’ on PIP. Meaning it wasn’t great social energy, but it was okay. I wrote about PIP in Lessons In Good Social Energy, or ‘PIP.’ I’ve made strides since. If you care about your social energy, you might want to check that piece out.
In This Letter. PLEASE Share What You’re DEVOUR'ing for next Saturday. That‘s our ‘things to watch, read, and listen to’ Letter +I Updated My Look Because It’s Spring By Dish Stanley And also because I had slipped into a funk +PrimeCrush & Chill: Grown Up Love Stories Worth A Re-Watch: Enough Said By Christian Pan +dishing. +Social Media I Loved This Week. +Our Song of the Week
What Are You DEVOURing? {tell us your things to watch, read, and listen to for next week’s Letter}
In our monthly DEVOUR column we share all the things we think you should eat up. We will be running our DEVOUR column next Saturday. You always give us the best stuff, CRUSHes. Please tell us below — what are you DEVOURing right now?
I Updated My Look Because It’s Spring By Dish Stanley
And Also Because I Had Slipped into a Funk
I wasn’t sure if any CRUSH Readers would care about this because, for one thing, you can’t even see me, given that I write under a pseudonym. And for another thing I don’t know if you care about ‘spring looks’ (let alone mine) generally. But HOLY SHIT when I asked whether you wanted eyeliner tips last Saturday your response was an overwhelming yes. So while I am pulling that together for you, in the meantime, voila! my Spring Makeover.
I told you a couple weeks ago about the disappointing end to what had been the promising start to a lovely romance (… his ex-girlfriend got wind of our dating and showed up with bells and whistles). One of my closest friends pointed out that “it had nothing to do with you. You got caught up in their drama is what happened. You were the victim of a drive-by shooting.” I agree with her, and also the relationship was so new that the loss is more about the anticipation and hope, more about the exhausted feeling of having to ‘go back out there.’
I’m pretty much over it. But the fact is that that relationship collapsed mid-April and after that I fell into a funk.
A trip to NYC certainly helped, but I thought that perhaps spiffing myself up a bit for the spring might help further. I wanted to feel especially light.
I don’t feel like I need much of a wardrobe refresh (typically, retail therapy is where I start), so I focused on three things - my hairstyle, my eyebrows and getting rid of my RBF. (That’s Resting Bitch Face, if you’ve been buried in Four Seasons episodes.)
First, I got a shoulder-length bob.
Like a lot of other people, I was inspired by the bob Leslie Bibb’s character Kate had in The White Lotus. Yeah, the one she and her megawatt hairstylist referred to as “the cunty little bob” in this insta post.
I was in West Palm Beach when I decided I desperately needed this look, where I do not have a hairstylist ‘on call,’ but I remembered that my friend Mary does. She was in Iceland with her husband right then but she’s somebody always at the rescue when a girlfriend has an emergency. She texted back asap. “Hakan is my guy.”
I have neither Bibb’s defined jawline, nor her willowy figure, and thought I needed something a little more ‘forgiving,‘ so Hakan and I agreed on a soft, face-framing, shoulder-length version. He took the time to show me how to style it myself, and it’s been a blast. It looks like this.
Then I got my eyebrows tinted.
Eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows. Who knew they were such statement makers, until they started fading away? I have been lazy about eyebrow maintenance, but then when I see a friend like my friend Lisa, who keeps her eyebrows looking fabulous at all times, I think “Dish, do like Lisa. Be fab.” I also remembered that last summer I ran into my friends Kathy and Nina after having just gotten mine tinted. I was sure that they were too dark and they looked overbearing and ridiculous, but they both blurted out - practically in unison - “You’re eyebrows look amazing, Dish!”
I got those at Bespoke Brows NYC. They did a tint, and they looked great for a couple of weeks and good for another week or so but then they faded.
For my Spring makeover, I went back to Bespoke. But I need a more permanent solution, and I’m working on that. I asked my friend Lisa — Lisa with the fabulous brows – about what she does for hers. Lisa is a very smart person who obsessively researches things (so we don’t have to). “Powder brows,” she told me. “It’s the next gen. More natural-looking than the microblading people used to do. They put tiny pigment dots into the skin, so it’s a soft-powdered look.”
And before I could shooter her back a thank you text, she wrote this: “Make sure that whoever does it takes the time to do all the correct measurements for the perfect brow! (Emphasis is all Lisa’s.) The initial appointment should take a couple of hours to get your brow mapped out correctly.” She also said to ask how long you had to go without sweating for taking a shower after the application, so you can plan your calendar. And then she sent this, god bless her, so I didn’t cut any corners:
My overall look, with bob and brows, is something roughly resembling this (though my face looks nothing like this model’s — I’m talking bob and brows, CRUSHes):
And when I thought about it, I realized (after having spotted her at that club-with-clout in the West Village I told you about a couple weeks ago), that Michelle Williams has dark, perfectly sculpted eyebrows. I googled her and found the picture below, and wondered if she has powder brows. “I wonder if she also consults with my friend Lisa,” is what I actually wondered.
Are you a little worried right now because you don’t actually know Lisa? Don’t. Because I know Lisa, and so I got you covered, CRUSHes.
Finally, botox. I got rid of my ‘Resting Bitch Face.’
So that’s the hair and brows. But then I remembered about the last time I saw my Mother. This is the exact conversation that I had with her:
Mom: “Honey, why are you scowling at me?”
Me: ”What? I’m not. I’m just sitting here. We’re talking about Towards Zero [our latest mutual Agatha Christie obsession on Masterpiece Theater]. Why would I be scowling?”
Mom: “Oh. Well you look like you’re scowling, honey.“
I kid you not. My Mother is from a generation where mothers think it’s perfectly fine to blithely critique your grown daughter’s appearance. She is in her late 80’s, so I try to give her a pass. But also, I thought: “If — with her diminished sight — she is picking up on my 11’s, then shit they’re bad.“
And since I couldn’t say “If I’m scowling it’s probably because when I’m with you (and even when I’m not) I‘m worried about whether you’re going to fall because you‘re still not seeing well since your stroke and why are you eating ice cream when you’re blood pressure is too high and how come you’re so stubborn?” I said instead, “Yep, I think I’ll get botox.”
Afterall, what good is a bob and brows makeover if I look scowley? So as part of my Spring makeover I decided to do something about my RBF.
Many years ago — maybe ten — I got botox, but I went in uninformed about it, and it was back when they were freezing the whole forehead. I felt trapped in somebody else’s implacable face. Meaning, I didn’t like the results at all. This time I got a recommendation for a specialist from a friend and I did my research. I wanted to go in with some specific requests, and to show the practitioner exactly what I wanted, so I found Dr. Farrell on instagram. There are a lot of aesthetics experts (or should I say ‘experts’) on instagram, but Dr. Farrell addresses her specifically for women 50+ and she’s specific. I wanted something to go into my aesthetician with, armed with a plan.
The first thing that happened when I walked into Aesthetics by Kallee is that Nicolette, who was standing behind the counter, said “Oh I love your bob! So fresh!” That made me feel good.
In the treatment room, I told kallee that I wanted to address my 11’s, what’s called a ‘botox brow lift,’ and also for her to do my chin and DAO. Not wanting to risk a thing, I pulled up the videos below, and as we were reviewing them Kallee said, “Oh, I know Farrell and I do her protocol exactly.”
I am including the videos for you, CRUSHes, in case you need them.
Find Dr. Farrell’s video on frown lines (11’s) here.
Her video on the best way to do a botox brow lift, according to Dr. Farrell, is here.
Dr. Farrell’s chin and DAO botox video for RBF is here.
After all that, I love my Spring refresh.
I think there are those who would argue that getting over a funk (or even a little break-up) is more of an inside job. More about time and processing and centering and being around friends and things that make you feel good and happy (like exercising and reading and watching old Hugh Grant movies). They might be right, but I think that my Spring makeover is self-care. It‘s getting up off the coach and doing something about my funk to make myself feel better, rather than (just) watching Hugh Grant make doe eyes to Andie McDowell while stammering. It’s taking action. And yes, I realize the aesthetic-industrial-complex co-opted the term ‘self-care’ to profit from it.
But the thing is, I feel better. That’s what matters to me right now. I know myself by now and I know that when I feel myself going down a sinkhole it’s best to try break the fall however I can as soon as I can. I know to give myself a little bit of space to process, and then to intervene early.
But this Spring makeover was fun. Next time I’m not going to wait for a funk. In fact, I am googling ’where can I get powder brows nearby’ as you read this.
Up Next: Dish's Spring Reading List (Part 2)
(Pssst, you can get them in the PrimeCrush Bookshop)
Here is part 2 of my Spring reading list, which I am unusually excited about. (We earn a nominal fee for purchases from the PrimeCrush Bookshop, which we are very grateful to you for, as it is currently our only source of income.) Thank you.
Faithfull: An Autobiography by Marianne Faithfull
She wasn’t just Mick Jagger’s girlfriend. Her life was huge and fascinating and exciting and yeah, tragic too. She was brought up in a commune, her father was an M16 spy, she was an actress and a musician and a heroin addict and the ‘it girl’ of a very swinging London in the 60’s. Her life was a wild ride, and I’d like to sit in on it for a while.
Notes to John. A Memoir by Joan Didion
I wish I thought I had a choice about whether or not to read this, but if you’ve read all of Joan Didion and then all of Eve Babitz precisely because of her frenemyship with Didion, as I have, how could you stay away? I can’t. These are the notes from Didion’s journal while she was seeing a psychiatrist during a period when she was troubled by her daughter Quintana’s troubles. Quintana later committed suicide. Reading this feels like I would be taking on something very difficult and also become more intimate than I actually want to be with Didion. But I can’t not. So I’ll brace myself and go in with a flashlight.
Stone Yard Devotional. Fiction by Charlotte Wood
In addition to Covid in 2021, parts of Australia were dealing at the same time with a mice infestation that ravaged crops. This novel — which nearly every review calls “exquisite” — is about a small group of people living in a tiny town in such a part of Australia. In addition to the mice, other strange things are happening, and the main character has left her husband to live in a convent and contemplate her life, and ‘it all.’ Short listed for a Booker in 2023.
Fair Play. Fiction by Louise Hegarty
It’s a cleverly written ‘locked room’ murder mystery that takes place in an Irish country house on New Year’s Eve. That’s enough for me.
The Road To Tender Hearts by Annie Hartnett
It’s a dark comedy (my favorite kind) with a quirky family (my favorite kind — the only kind?) on a road trip (my favorite set-up for a journey). The family is driving cross country because its patriarch wants to reunite with his recently-single high school sweetheart, a million years later. What could go right? Also, John Irving called it “miraculous.”
dishing.
things that are getting me off right now.
I’m inspired by reading this story about one CRUSH Reader’s race to help girls build confidence and resiliency. Girls on the Run Miami teaches girls how to thrive by blending physical activity with life skill development, including managing emotions, fostering friendships and expressing empathy. Diane says the reason she loves it is because “it teaches girls that they can do hard things.” Learn more about GOTR Miami on its website here, and support it by donating here.
If I were in NYC May 31-June 1st, I would go to Letters Live at Town Hall. It’s that wonderful thing where famous celebrities (unannounced in advance) take the stage to read touching letters, and I love it’s instagram feed. One of my favorites is Peter Dinklage reading this love letter to NYC. Get tickets here.
This is the real reason I’ve never tried a threesome. One woman’s story of hers, from Vogue. My confidence could not stand up to that.
Terry Reach is a whole thing now. A number of you sent me this article from the NYT by Terry Reach, How I Learned That the Problem in My Marriage Was Me (thank you!). Fascinating, since Reach is a couples’ therapist. Then this week I listened to him being interviewed by Tim Ferris and whoa! I stopped dead in my tracks more than once. A few times in the podcast Ferris annoyed, a couple times Reach annoyed, but all in do I think I picked up some tools and insights that might make me a better partner or friend? Absolutely.
Kate Fogarty talks to Vanessa Cornell about female friendship on her podcast A Certain Age. Cornell was a self-described overachiever in school, her career and mothering (she had five kids in six years, CRUSHes) and then hit a breaking point. She shares how she re-built her life by, in part, forming thoughtfully considered groups of women friendships. She’s now a coach who also leads retreats. Find out more on her website here.
You wonder why I write about so many songs from the 70’s-90’s in my Song of the Week column? Here’s your answer. In fascinating study, neuroscientists reveal the unique impact of nostalgic music on the brain.
Social Media I Loved This Week
Song of the Week
Can Ya Handle the Heat by Samantha Fish
I saw Samantha Fish about a decade ago in Cambridge MA at The Sinclair. It’s an intimate space, and she is a full-on, hard-rocking experience. She all but blew the doors off the place, and I loved it. Her latest album is Paper Doll, and the reviews generally regard it as one of her best. High energy. “Big and bold and rocking,” as a friend says. Fish at her finest.
And Yes! I’m also doing a Women’s Summer Style Letter. I’ll be asking for those summer style rec’s in next week’s Letter. If you can’t wait, send them to me now at Dish@PrimeCrush.com. (If you put “Summer Style Rec’s” in the subject line it helps! Thanks.)
XO,
Dish
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The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
